It has to start somewhere

 Day One.......of what seems a bloody long, hard and probably pitfall filled  road to getting my life back from my hidden drinking crutch.

I’m  doing this for me to see where I end up and hold some record of my “journey”( god I hate that phrase🙄) from daily drinking to something near to normal control. They say if it’s easy then everyone  would do it, by that I assume they mean stop the addiction to whatever yours is! Mine is drink...well wine, luscious, beautiful, comforting bottles of wine. And I say bottles because it’s never just a glass or 2 it’s always at least a bottle maybe followed by a sneaky G&T but more often than not on a school night ( another phrase I need to stop using) one bottle of wine.  Now if it’s a weekend well that’s a minimum of 5 bottles from Friday to Sunday, never more then 6 bottles but still way too many.

And then days filled with guilt and shame for what I’ve done. Followed by the talking to that I’ll stop and won’t drink during the week, or that I’ll do a detox or I’ll only drink Friday and Saturday nights. I think we all know the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better and in control when really we’re not in control it’s the demon addiction that’s controlling everything we do. From planning days out wondering when I can have a drink, to shopping lists filled with multiple bottles of wine from multiple stores so I don’t look like I’ve an out of control habit BUT I DO! 

I have a serious problem with how much I drink and I need to get this back in my control.

I gave up carbs, cigarettes, red meat so how hard can this be? 

Things I’m Ashamed of:

*when and how much I drink

*that my husband had to tell not to drink at a family dinner in case I got plastered ( oblivious that was when we could go out) 

*The amount of bottles in the recycling bins

*Of looking down on others who have the same problem and thinking I didn’t because I was in control and buying decent wine.🙄 Reality check LC alcohol addiction its the same whether you buy cheap or expensive wine, you’re still an addict.

So wide awake at 2:10am this morning full of guilt and self loathing I decided that it’s got to stop and spent the  next 4 hours reading and researching how bad my drinking has become and what level or stage of alcoholism I’m in. It’s bloody scary and that was my eyes opened to just how bad I’ve become. I’d been lying to myself for years about this brushing it under the carpet, pushing it deep down like I do with the empty wine bottles I’m trying to hide in the bin.  It’s time to face my truth.....I’m an alcoholic and I need to save myself from this and get some self respect and faith in me that I can do this and I don’t need to drink every day, ever week and that when I do I can stop before I pass out. 

I mean I’m not sat on the park benches drinking special brew because that’s what everyone thinks an alcoholic is, no I’m a middle class, middle manager in a sales company, who has a loving husband, lovely house and lifestyle and no kids. And I think that being able to afford to drink the nicer stuff doesn’t make you relate to what you have been brought up, by society to assume what an alcoholic looks like. But that view over the years has massively changed and behind the doors of those lovely family homes, secret drinkers like me have been developing a dangerous habit in the comfort of their family diner, while watching Netflix and cracking open bottle after bottle of Malbec, Merlot, Champagne (special occasions) and denying the truth that they, I have a bloody huge problem with booze.

I’ve signed up for hypnosis, I’ve started this blog or diary to track my progress either successes or failures because let’s be honest it’s not going to be easy and I will fall off the wagon but I need to know what  makes me do that and how often, how I can stop and also motivate myself to keep going and making the changes.  Because I want to change for me, for my hubby and so that I can enjoy drink without feeling the guilt and shame